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Wednesday, April 20th, 2011
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8:46 pm - Just another statistic
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So my solictor and I are trying to get an out of court settlement. Today was to be the first round table meeting but they decided not to show. I was supposed to go down to the Gold Cost to watch Kuri in his wakeboarding semifinals, but this meeting was called at the 11th hour. Then nothing. An offer was made by Oldham but his solicitor is going to renege. So we put together our offer, now we wait. His solicor is starting employment at mine next week! His solicitor works with my FIRST solicitor! Double conflict of interest and I'm the meat in the sandwich. I feel so completely out of control. But my solicitor has a Duty of Care to me and he will continue to work for me to get the best outcome possible. He doesn't know Oldham very well. I'm not holding my breath. At least with each encounter I am getting stronger.
Oldham is going to end up getting a good part of my super out of this, the wanker. I saved bloody hard this century to set myself up for retirement and he's most likely going to take about 40% of it. That law sucks BIG TIME. Why should I pay for his retirement. He didn't give a shit about preparing for his own retirement, and why should he when he can sponge off me. He's crying poor me I'm sick and will be disadvantaged in my future... what a crock. If he does try to take my super, he'll have to compensate me with cash to the same amount, which means he'll have to borrow more. Whatever I get out of this, a fair bit of it will go on the stupid solicitor fees anyway. I hate the law. Dickheads get rewarded, conscientious people like me get to pay for the dickheads.
I'm not very bitter am I, lol.
current mood:  nauseated
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| Friday, March 4th, 2011
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6:29 am - the meanness of people
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People can be so mean to each other. I don't understand how we can't just talk to each other openly and honestly. Why there has to be an underlying reason to manipulate, vindicate, retaliate or simply embarrass another person intentionally is beyond my current understanding. Australians have earned the title "Tall Poppy Syndrome". Until they get over themselves, this is a reputation we must endure in the eyes of the world.
I've been a tall poppy cultivator, but I do not covet those who I see as a threat to me. I look at them through different coloured glasses so I can see a little about what might be happening for them.
Last night, Bill threw a barb at me and told me I had to respond to Eileen Seery about the Alex High reunion re the catering and also tell her what I said about him was wrong. This was news to me. Eileen has been asking me for MONTHS if Bill & Ricky are coming to the reunion. Up until yesterday, they weren't, but neither of them had taken the time and effort to let Eileen know. She is becoming desperate for RSVPs for catering purposes. So I responded to her question "they don't do reunions".
Apparently this prompted Bill to change his mind and indeed drive down to Alex for it. I'd told him off for leaving Eileen in the dark all this time, that he was inconsiderate when it came to women who are trying to organise a really large event and getting no responses. Man, how many times have I been in that situation at work, trying to organise a huge event and getting no definite Yes or No. It's frustrating, trying to co-ordinate everything at once. Then he asks me how I'm getting from the airport to the reunion etc and I said I have no idea because I have no money to pay for any transport. He said well maybe I'll pick you up from the airport. Is he teasing me??? Again???? I decided that yep he was teasing me so I ignored his comment.
So I ask him, what's going on? Are you going to the reunion or not? He got all defensive and gave some smartarse comment back, so I said, answer my question. Then he tells me he probably will be... so I ask how he's going down, he responds, driving. I'm real confused by now coz he works every piece of overtime he can get, stresses about spending $1.39 on snacks, is paranoid about money, and lets that company he works for walk all over his good nature (just like he lets his kids do). After much questioning by me, he informs me he'd decided to go only that day. I got real pissed off at him then and told him so, and why. I've been STRESSING to the max about how the hell i'm going to get down there, hire a car, get from Tullamarine to Alexandra all because I still haven't been paid by fucking Queensland Health.
What pisses me off the most is that he does not share any of his thoughts or feelings with me. He just reacts and reacts, just like Michael used to. He said to me just before I went to bed, he doesn't know why I should be pissed off at him, it's stupid. So then I reacted. "Of course you don't and why would you? Why would you even care?"
I was pretty ashamed at reacting like that. So we're lying in bed, I ask him if he wants to talk about it. Talk about what! There's nothing to talk about! was the response. So I lay there for a minute giving him his space.. then repeated my question.
We nutted it out. I refuse to sleep on an argument with this beautiful and sensitive soul. I made that mistake with my last 2 long term relationships and we all know how they ended.
I'm working so damned hard at being a better person, and with Bill's assistance, it's happening. Using my counselling skills with Bill, I'm able to eventually get him to see for himself that he's got as many hangups and dysfunctions as I do, but they are only typical for 52 year olds.
Trying to normalise our relationship is not that hard. Bill is open to new ideas and opinions, and hates it when I get pissed off at him. As I hate when he gets pissed off at me. We're going to be alright, despite the old patterns of thinking that we both have programmed into our conscious thoughts.
As long as we control external influences on our relationship, recognise when others are attempting to bring us down, we have a great chance of survival. Then while we can talk and nut things out at the end of every day, our chances skyrocket.
We're a good team, he and I. We balance each other out beautifully. As above, so below. He is my grounding, I am his wings.
And neither of us are codependent on each other :D
current mood:  rejuvenated
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| Tuesday, February 22nd, 2011
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4:43 am - Parental pain
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My soul is filled with such sorrow I can hardly breathe. Carly has stopped talking to me and I am unable to see her Stewy or Ryan.
As if a nervous breakdown in january and daniel's 32nd anniversary on 16 feb was not enough, on 15 feb she decided i am too much to cope with and told me off like never before, removed herself from me and has not spoken to me since.
The emotional pain was so great that day that I sought out all of the sleeping pills in the house. There were quite a few. I went to the doctor and got a fresh packet. I had a burning desire to go to sleep forever, and join my precious lost son, mother, father, baby brother and nephew.
Instead I took myself to the psychologist in beenleigh and told the receptionist i needed to see a psych immediately. I stayed in that office until i'd written the dvo application against michael and lodged it with the magistrates' court. I went home, handed the pills to Bill and told him about my suicide legacy. Seven names on my list, and i ticked off all of the painful thoughts and feelings, told him I was high risk. We both returned to the psych for my appointment.
Carly is still not talking to me.
My soul is ripped into shreds,
I have lost two children now.. and it's more than i can bear.
Bill still has my pills, so I won't do anything to myself today.
But if she doesn't get over herself very soon I am going to disown her. I would NEVER have spoken to my mother the way she spoke to me. After all I have done for her while she's been walking on this earth, she has no idea what she's done to my soul.
Dear God, give me the strength for this... because I don't have any left at all. None. Zip. Nada.
Nobody to hold me but Brendan and Bill.
Do I tell Brendan? Share my pain? Tell Bill I still cannot face this life?
So I'll tell you, lifejournal, in the hope that I can sort my head out, get this sorrow into perspective, dig around deep inside myself to find that elusive piece of strength still down in there somewhere.
Black Cancer of the Soul.
Now I understand that term.
Goodnight, livejournal.
current mood: desperate
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| Sunday, February 13th, 2011
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1:10 am - Whole New Path
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Though I cannot write of who is guiding me on this journey, I can reflect my experiences to date. Andros still guides me, as does Daniel of course and I will be reflecting from their teachings as well.
My new journey has something to do with Aboriginals. I have always felt an affinity with this culture, and have had experiences I cannot explain. Like understanding their language via the vibrational intonings. When I intone Aramaic I feel the same connection.
I want to go walkabout.
My feet writhe when I think about this. It's like they physically react to my thoughts. When I say walkabout, all I mean is, explore our deserts. I have explored a little of it when I worked in the mine in WA, and in my travels to Perth over my lifetime.
I felt it first when I experienced the Wongai tribe, then the Koori tribes in Healesville with Sam Ginsberg. My journey now begins.
current mood:  relaxed
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| Saturday, August 23rd, 2008
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4:23 am - Singing
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Ok so what if my brothers want to take me onto the battlefield. I have swords, armour, guns, grenades, a great sturdy lightning fast winged horse and my eagles flying above me telling me where all the players and enemies are. I have a million beautiful eyes.
Bring it on, I say. I haven't felt this good for a long, long, time.
You know what. Next time somebody launches a spear or grenade at me, I'm going to put on my Matrix persona, bend backwards impossibly like Neo did as the shrapnel flies, stand and walk to the tosser and sing to him. Then watch as his big old bubble of an ego deflates like a pierced balloon.
Yes I will probably have to give him counselling or reiki to help him feel better but at least I'll get $80 an hour for my trouble.
Silly nasty-boys. When will they ever learn? Ohh, when will they ever learn.
*giggles and skips off*
current mood:  chipper
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| Sunday, July 27th, 2008
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10:08 pm - Fucked weekend
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What the hell was that about.
Saturday morning started really well with a nice crystal healing from Rosalee. I came out of there bouncy, full of energy and positive. And apparently bossy. All I wanted was people to pick up their washing from around the house so I could wash it and put away their socks which were where they were not supposed to be.
Obviously that was enough for everyone to think I was shitty.
Re-action happened.
By the end of the weekend, my husband was something at me, but god knows what because he refused point blank to talk it through, Tammy had fallout from that then the physical stuff started. One of her 3 week old ear piercings halfway pulled through her lobe early sunday morning and she had to have it cut out, the dog wanted to pick fights with everything on four legs at the beach, I stepped on every sharp thing on the ground through my sandles, Michael threw an angry and got physical with me, then to top off the night, after dinner Carly's dog broke open the guinea pigs hutch and attacked poor little Timmy.
A classic example of the laws of attraction.
And it wasn't just my household that experienced fuckedupness either.
Not even a full moon.
What the hell was that about.
current mood:  sick
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| Wednesday, October 3rd, 2007
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3:17 am
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3 am. Ohh sigh.
I think I can't sleep because of all the stuff that's happening in my life at the moment. I am not suffering too much from the lack of sleep, other than gritty eyes and a little lethargy at work (Red Bull n coffee help there) so I guess I'll just use the time for stuff like this.
I went to a meeting of the Australian Council of Clinical Psychologists with Malcolm last Friday night as his guest. It was a fascinating evening and I got a free feed AND met some awesome people. Man I LOVE networking.
current mood:  restless
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| Friday, September 28th, 2007
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3:01 am - Injustice!
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3am. I woke half an hour ago with my friend Bron on my mind. She's had some bloody lousy injustice recently and all I want to do is scream in frustration, cry with sadness and do something, anything, to make that cowardly bastard pay for what he did to her. But I can't do anything... all I can do is be there for her when she needs a friend, and pray that her pain soon ends and her heart and soul begins to mend quickly.
She's coming over on Sunday, to talk Gathering stuff, coz she's on my subcommittee. I offered to give her some reiki, she accepted so that's a good thing. I can help her physically and psychically for a little while. I love this lady like a sister, and I'm sure that she is/was in my previous lives somewhere, coz when I first met her I felt that instant bond forged only from past experience.
Hang in there Bron honey. This too shall pass.
And as for my phone stalker, Constable Duck (no joke) must have scared the little shit, coz he hasn't tried to contact me again since I went and spoke to Beenleigh Police about him. They didn't raise a formal complaint (thanks to the Sgt on duty at the time, that station has a reputation for fobbing people off whenever they can), but hopefully he's been scared off my case and the fear of the gods put in him. I put in an unwelcome caller report thru voda, which met all the criteria to have action taken against him through his phone provider so I guess that will have to do.
Geez there's some sick, sick blokes in this world. They should bring back castration as a corporal punishment again. Yes I know it's a drastic and inhumane thing, but man something has to be done to stop men from raping and violating the innocent.
*steps down off soapbox*
current mood:  sad
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| Saturday, August 25th, 2007
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4:46 am - It's very draining
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It's period time again. I wonder how long this one's going to last. The last one went for 2 weeks 3 days, I didn't think it would ever end. This one's really heavy, today and tomorrow will be the worst days but thank god it's the weekend. There's nothing worse than being at work on those 2 days, with the loo so far away (88 steps!). One day I was bleeding so bad, on the way back from the loo I noticed drops of blood in the corridor half way down. I was horrified, and quickly spread the drops around with my shoe, praying none of the techs had or would see. And one other time I had blood running down my leg as I was quickly trying to get to the loo, praying it would not be showing below my skirt hem, coz there were techs walking up and down the corridor at the same time. I want this heavy and lengthy bleeding to stop, I don't see the point of going through this crap every month for nothing. I get really resentful of my body's cycles at times, especially long, heavy and painful bleeds. If only there was a switch to turn it off after 2 or 3 days. If it wasn't for the medical history of breast cancer I'd go back on the pill just to regulate or even stop them. Oh heaven!
I'm co-facilitating my first Womanhood at the moment. I'm enjoying it, though feeling pretty inadequate and uneducated in these things. There's so much to think about at the same time! I'm trying to take in what Dianne says during every aspect of the program, trying to absorb and remember all of her knowing as well as trying to remember what I'm doing, when I'm to take over, what I am to say, how I'm to say it; remembering to observe the group members and their reactions, decide whether to address this woman or that woman on what is happening for her; all the while trying to look like I am relaxed and know exactly what I'm doing. HA!!! And at the end of the night, when Dianne asks what I did well, what I would do differently, I just can't remember details at all. It's such a steep learning curve. Now she wants me to do more, take over from her when she takes off too much with a subject or activity.. I mean, how can I stop someone who's so damned experienced and GOOD at what she's talking about when I know fuck all??! If only I could record the sessions just to listen again and again to what she says, maybe then it would go in and stay there for me to draw on when I need. I know she does want to give the Beenleigh groups over to me to run on my own, but omigod I don't know enough yet!
My eyes hurt. I'm supposed to have my glasses on, but they hurt too. Head's in a vice. Sleep needed but not accessible. Butt hurts, been sitting in this crap chair too long. Coffee. Yeahh that'll help.
5.22am. Time to get to my assignment now, due Tuesday, 400 words written, 2100 to go. At least this one's interesting and not personal like the Freud one where I had to analyse my dream from his perspective. That was HORRIBLE. I got a D for it but. How'd I get a D for talking rubbish? Tutor Adri liked my academic writing and interesting introduction, that must have been it. She runs Working with Children module too, we're petitioning the Uni to run it next semester. That would be awesome!
current mood:  hungry
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| Thursday, December 28th, 2006
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4:16 am - Reflections
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Ok so I can't sleep. Time to go looking for interesting things to read, in a community of interest. Surfsurf ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif?v=91.6) animal_comm
INTERESTING! A question was posted: "What do you think animals can teach humans about life, death, the physical world, and each other?" My answer, as I was typing, gave me an answer.
I think animals are here to teach us that life is just one step in the great walk, that bodies are just vehicles, that we have a choice and an ability to heal ourselves and our environment if only we would stop talking and start listening. Hmmm.
Animals I know tell me to treat humans as animals. Another Hmmm. I tend to treat humans as humans, ie with much less respect than they deserve. If I could just treat humans, especially the ones I love the most, as I treat animals... crikey... there would be no ego-bruising in my relationships with them. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Time to re-read Lydia Hiby methinks.
current mood:  thankful
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2:48 am - Clean Up Your Own Backyard
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Sometimes I get so pissed off I could scream. Relationship hassles abound.
Michael's a good bloke for most of the time. But I swear, when his insecurities take him over, I could just slap him. Everything he's ever learned from his personal development just goes out the window and he becomes IMPOSSIBLE to live with. For the last 9 years I have had the patience of Job with that man, but I'm getting too old. My patience is fading, fast. I can no longer be Ms Nice Person Who Takes Everything With A Smile. I am not taking his mood swings any more, nor am I taking his do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do attitude. I'm challenging his language to me, which at times is Pure Asshole. What pisses me off the most is that he wouldn't dream of speaking like that to anyone but me. Only, he sees any response other than submissiveness as aggression. And he's so fucking good with words that he still manages to turns it all around so that all of a sudden he's the hard done by one and I'm the premenopausal ogre. It's shitting me up the wall! Why can't I use words like he does????! I must admit, I AM slowly slowly getting much better at responding with all the tools I've been given through my own education, but I'm still not real good at it, and tend to fly off the handle then run and hide, rather than turn and face calmly. This is doing me no good at all because I'm not getting my thoughts and feelings out at the time of the hurt, so I am reverting to MY old ways of licking my wounds in private and letting them grow in my own perceptions from ant hill to rabbit burrow. Rabbit burrow? Yep, rabbit burrow. It leads me DOWN. Down into that sad dark place. I don't like it down there.
I challenged him tonight on how he only half uses the rules of good communication, how he doesn't follow through to check in with me if his perceptions are right. (Shit, why would he? He might be proven wrong, can't have that, it would be lose/win then wouldn't it?!)(ouch baby). Anyway. I pointed out that he starts a lot of his sentences with "It seems to me that you..." but that he doesn't actually ask me if that was what was happening for me. A nice safe little way of accusing me of stuff without accusing me of stuff. Only I can see it for what it is ~ passive aggression, exactly what he's accusing me of doing to him. Funny about that. Straight after I said that he launched into more accusations of aggressive language and began another "it seems to me that you" sentence, to which I immediately replied, "Are you going to ask me if that's how I am actually thinking or feeling?" and he said flat out "No". So I ended the conversation there by telling him that if he's only going to half communicate with me then he's to expect the same from me. And I took off into my study to hide. DAMMIT I GOT ME AGAIN!! Ooooh I came so close! *sigh*
So I had a good old cry and got it out then went and read the book Kat lent me, Scepticism Inc., a nice piece of weirdness to get my mind off my self-absorption! Thanks Kat, I really need a reality escape hatch right now!!
Fuck I hate December and July. I really thought we'd got through this December without his cyclic fear-induced wobbles. Nup.
Hurry up and get your butt up here, Carly, so I have a nice warm escape hatch I can run to that's outside of this building. I feel imprisoned here in this little room I usually think of as my sanctuary. Sanctuary or prison? Hmmm. There's a fine line there.
In times like this, I need a woman around, someone I can offload to who will huggle me as I blubber, and not judge me.
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| Sunday, December 3rd, 2006
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9:50 am - GRRRRRRRRRRRRR
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I want to assignment, but I am too fucking angry and can’t focus. This weekend has been so fucking shitful at home I just want to scream and scream and scream!! What started it? Michael had to socialize with my friends. Yep, that’s it. He hates socializing, and hates it quadrupally when it’s out of HIS control. Friday night, my work Xmas function. High Stress Number One. Saturday night we had dinner planned with Don. High Stress Number Two. Saturday during the day I asked him that next time he came across Karen online to debrief her about my assignment about her that I’d given her to read. He took that simple request into his own hands and went ahead and made a visit date instead for Sunday, without consulting me first. On a weekend where I have to write my assignment and we’d already had two social outings. Geez! So I thought, okay well I’ll make the most of the enforced break, and suggested we go out and meet in a park so the dogs can have a run. He was okay with that so he organized it with her. Then, true to form, Sunday morning after having to socialize with my friends TWICE in one weekend, and the resulting icy stiffness that surrounds him when he’s not in control in a social situation, he pulled the pin on the park with Karen, leaving me with going alone to an outing I didn’t want in the first place! Aaaarghhhhh!!! Sorry Kaz, this has nothing to do with you, I would have loved your company as always.. but I'm time restricted this weekend, and he knows it.
So yeah. How fucking inconsiderate and controlling he can be. And I am fed up to the back teeth with his inability to chill out and relax when it’s my group of friends we are socializing with. He’s always fine and dandy socialising when it’s his friends or his idea. It’s fucking BULLSHIT! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! MACKMACKMACKMACKMACKMACK!!!!!
There. FierceDuck Released!!!
I feel so much calmer.
Now I’m going to get back to my assignment.
current mood:  infuriated
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| Sunday, November 19th, 2006
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10:37 am - Sunday
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This weekend has been spent alone as Michael and Brendan have gone up to Camp Bornhoffen for their mens retreat. It's nice to be unencumbered.. I can come and go as I please and if I want to have a spa in the nude through the day I do! I can play my music as loud as I like and what I feel like listening to. And I can sing sing sing! I can put the telly on and leave it on while I'm cooking and eating dinner. I can have Delphine inside and Tasha too! It's nice. Lonely at night though. So I bring the animals in and they keep me company! I feel completely relaxed.
Even if I do have an assignment to finish and 3 job applications to write today. hmmmm should I get moving on those?
Nahhhhh I'd rather have a spa LOL
*SPLASH*
current mood: relaxed
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| Monday, November 13th, 2006
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8:17 am - Sisters
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This weekend I found two sisters just like my beautiful Tindarra who I can tell my heart's truth to and be understood. As soon as I met them, my soul joined with theirs, and later in the weekend during a spontaneous teenagers pyjama party on Saturday night, I found the courage to ask a question that was so out there and radical I could not believe I asked it of almost total strangers! (Well it was truth or dare wasn't it!) However we laughed a lot over the question (How old were you when you lost your virginity) and went on to other truths and dares but my secret question got to both of them. The next day the opportunity arose and we were able to discuss our sexuality.
What release it is to be able to talk with like-minded people.
There wasn't much time to spend together properly, but that will come. Thank you B and P, I know you are going to be big in my life, and I would love to organise a girls night out so you can meet my soul sister Tindarra.
The retreat was absolutely amazing, worth every cent I spent, in fact it was priceless... I have been taken another step higher on my spiritual path and the view is breathtaking.
Watch This Space !!
current mood:  content
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| Sunday, April 30th, 2006
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4:13 pm
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Tammy and I just had a sleepover at Trudy's. Tammy took her new tent and the kids had a sleepout in the backyard, they had a ball. Me and Trudy caught up, and we watched a DVD "He Died With A Falafel In His Hand". Hmmm
Michael's off doing a weekend self development workshop called Manshine, and Brendan borrowed the Suby yesterday after dropping us off at Mooroooka. We're home now.
Michael's learning much good stuff about himself, which is nice for him... but I don't know if it will make much difference to our relationship. I'm kind of jaded about it at the moment. It may be just that it's Sunday.. my care level changes pretty frequently. I just want to have my own place now, so I can do my own thing and not answer to anyone. Roll on November.
I didn't get paid very much this fortnight. I'm still off on sick leave, and I've run out so I got no pay for 3 days. No fun having no jinglies in the purse. Very restricting. And the creditors are knocking at the door... Mel didn't pay me for her wedding cake and the salary sacrificing hasn't come through. Sheesh. I feel like a beggar.
I'll go have some chocolate. That will fix all.
hehehe
current mood: sticky
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| Thursday, April 27th, 2006
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5:56 am - Unnecessary Baggage
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Tammy's mother tried to hand me some of her baggage yesterday. I took it for a little while, lumped it into my own backpack and discovered that it was heavy and uncomfortable. So I've taken it out and placed it on the ground. She doesn't want her baggage, well neither do I.
She and Michael were discussing Tammy's Kids In Care group, starting at Lifeline Gold Coast next week. Glenn told Michael she didn't want me to be part of it because my level of commitment to Tammy was questionable because I am leaving our home.
That woman excluded me from Tammy's group commitment from the outset, by taking annual leave every Wednesday to get the kid to the group and back. I was never consulted, and I was not privy to the information that was exchanged between her and Michael. She took over the reigns, included the weeks that Tammy is with us, and is now trying to tell me my commitment is not there. It's not there because she blocked it out of the plans in the very beginning. Michael back then did not help at all by siding with his ex wife and telling me he and Glenn would be taking Tammy to and from group, and I could come once, maybe twice. Back then I decided that was fine by me.. if they want to be children about their own offspring, then I would back out gracefully, like any responsible adult would.
I look back at these events with sad eyes, because it is the pattern of manipulation that I had been living with all these years. And it's the innocent that wear the scars of this kind of pathetic treatment.
Tammy and I will be fine. Our relationship will continue and it will grow, despite the interventions of the other parents in her life. Tammy is 10 now, she has the maturity to watch and learn and form her own opinions. She does not need me to protect her from nastiness any more. It's time for me to let her go, trust her to her birth parents, set her gently on her own path. I will ALWAYS be there for her whenever she needs me, I will never turn my back on her. She is as much my child as my own Daniel, Brendan and Carly are, and will be treated as such for as long as I am allowed.
For the children.
current mood:  sleepy
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| Tuesday, April 18th, 2006
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9:44 pm - Beginnings and more beginnings
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I'm wasted. It's Tuesday night, I had a lovely Easter camping at Byron Bay and attending the BluesFest but now it seems I'm paying for my leisure time. I have assignment no. 1 due today... still with 3 days worth of work left on it to do; Mel's wedding cake is due Saturday morning... I still haven't the money to buy the stuff to complete it; I've been on the phone ALL BLOODY MORNING to insurance agents, doctors and more doctors to get my life and my finances sorted out; and have ~had enough~ of the struggle.
Everyday brings changes in my life. Everyday I move my own cheese. Everyday I go hunties for the new cheese. Everyday I find it, only to move it again hehehe. I love a challenge. My next challenge is to stop time.
Yep.
current mood: restless
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| Wednesday, April 12th, 2006
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4:46 am - Wednesday. The First Day of The Rest of My Life
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Yep. The first day of the rest of my life.
I had the rest of the melanoma removed on Monday arvo. I have nothing but admiration for the talent of the plastic surgeon Philip Richardson who reconstructed my poor little jawline. There was a GP called John something observing, he was a very nice man, and very interested in my unusual story. The two of them were discussing my procedure in doctorspeak while it was happening and I was listening with much interest. I'd told Phil that I would rather a longer scar than a puckering profile and so it was. I'd also asked a few specific questions and requested a specific treatment in the injection to lessen the pain, which surprised him because all he saw on my admission form was "Administration Officer, Queensland Health". He asked me how I knew so much.. I told him I'd been in health for over 25 years now and his eyes registered understanding. I was then treated with not only dignity but respect as well. I learned a lot about operations on the face that day!!!
Did a silly thing and went to work yesterday. Silly silly silly. I was in much pain, but was glad I went nevertheless because I was able to be there for a female colleague who needed an understanding woman friend after being blasted and threatened with dismissal immediately on her return from her honeymoon by the site manager. And that happened an hour after she was told her mother may have cancer. What is it about men? Why do they have to be so aggressive toward women? In my 47 years, I've only ever experienced a few males who have the ability to put aside their egos and issues when communicating with other people. That's a pretty low average.
"When women are stressed they go shopping or eat chocolate. Men invade another country."
Or the nearest woman.
Sorry. I'm not manbashing here ~ I am well aware that there are many aggressive women out there who are worse than aggressive men and do a hell of a lot of damage to people around them.
It's just that since this dangerous cancer popped up on my face, I've had a life review. And some of the things I observe around me saddens me greatly. There is no hell ~ Earth is it. There is no devil ~ Homosapiens invented that concept to justify their actions. If only they knew what I know, and acted out of love rather than fear.
Ah well, such is loife, as me mate Ned once said. We are all on our own journey of experience and the world would be a boring place indeed if we were all alike. All I know is that my particular Universe is a lovely one and I'm proud of it and to be in it. If anyone wants to cause chaos to me and mine, they will be dealt with in a swift and legal manner. My intention is to make the most of every day I'm granted and tell the ones I love constantly that they are fantastic, beautiful and worthwhile people.
Meanwhile, I have a little problem. Michael wants me out of the house by the end of the month. I've decided that since I can't get the tenants out of the Eagleby property until November, I'm going to have to do housesitting until then. But I'm not having any luck with happyhousesitters.com ~ no answers to any of my emails yet. I will persevere and I know something will come up, but now I'm putting feelers out there in cyberspace...
DOES ANYBODY AROUND BRISBANE NEED A HOUSESITTER SLASH PETSITTER ?????
current mood:  contemplative
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| Saturday, April 8th, 2006
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6:59 am
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1184 BC - Trojan War: Troy was sacked and burned, according to the calculations of Eratosthenes.
2005 - G8 finance ministers agree to cancel the debt owed by 18 of the poorest countries.
1847 - Millicent Fawcett, British suffragist and feminist (d. 1929)
1937 - Robin Warren, Australian pathologist, recipient of the Nobel Prize for Physiology or Medicine
1852 - Karl Briullov, Russian painter (b. 1799)
1963 - Thích Quảng Đức, Vietnamese monk, self-immolation (b. 1897)
current mood:  thoughtful
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| Tuesday, April 4th, 2006
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8:20 am - Thankyou Ladies.
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I have some wonderful friends. I am embracing the women in my life; growing, learning and healing, sharing, crying and laughing. Screaming, hugging. My daughter I ache for but she is with me every waking minute. I visit her in my meditations, I phone her and see her face. Distance means nothing any more.
My mother comes when I call for her, she heals me with so much love. There is no separation after all. Just a different kind of communion.
There's nothing I cannot accomplish now!
current mood: rejuvenated
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syordan's journal